behind....

I've been slacking in my blog writing and I have to say that this whole being pregnant has really put a kink in my emotional state. I still don't quite know how I feel, I'm getting used to the idea thats for sure. I have an ultrasound on the 4th to figure out how far along I am and if the pregnancy is viable. I'm not quite sure what I am expecting to see on the ultrasound and I don't think I can really get a grasp on how I feel until I know exactly what that ultrasound will say. I guess we just wait now.

This weekend was busy, we had a good easter egg hunt, no pictures of that but we did take video so thats good. We did take pictures of them opening their easter baskets and that was a lot of fun :) We went to our friends house to let our kids and their kids play together and we took some pictures of all the kids, man that was exhausting. Kids are hard to take pictures of especially when there is 6 of them :)

K has a major diaper rash so she is in disposables right now, and I really do feel like the worst mother in the world. The other night we followed our same routine where we change her diaper before her last feed and then she must have pooped sometime after that because in the middle of the night she woke up screaming and we couldn't figure it out and since she never poops during the night or needs a diaper change because she is not a heavy wetter. So we eventually settled her down and she went to sleep, but at 6:30 she had woken up and she had soaked through her clothes. So I changed her diaper and you could tell the poop had been there for awhile :( She had a bad rash and I felt so bad. We put her in a disposable right away and put cream on it, after that she was much happier and the next time I changed her diaper the rash had gone down a lot. But there is this one spot that is an open sore :( So we are putting her in disposables and putting polysporn on it. It is looking much better, I still feel like crap for not even noticing it but honestly she didn't smell and she didn't make any noises like she does before when she goes poop. We are changing her diapers more often and checking them more often as well. I just hope that it clears up quickly.

Diaper laundry needs to be changed over...

Gotta run.

loud parenting.

I am feel very run down and frustrated these days. I lose my temper too quickly and get frustrated more often then not, and it's usually at my children. Either they aren't listening to a word I am saying or they are defying it and doing whatever it is they want. They are great kids and I am very grateful for having them in my life but I have to tell you it sure isn't easy.

I am feeling extremely frustrated with my self because even when I don't want to lose my cool I usually do. I hear my self yelling and getting angry and I feel bad in the end. I know I yell to often and get angry and frustrated to often and I really don't want to be like this, maybe it is because it is the way I was raised. My mom was always yelling and always sending us to our room. I find my self doing that exact same thing.

R is very calm and hardly raises his voice and I find that he doesn't even have a chance to do that anyways because the kids listen to him anyways. I often wonder what is so different between my parenting and R's parenting. I still don't know the answer to that question and I really don't think I will. Which sucks cause I would really like the kids to do the thing I asked the first time I asked it and not the 10000000 time, and not after me raising my voice and yelling at them.

All I know is I don't like the way that I am currently parenting and I don't want to bring another child into this family with me yelling all the time. So I guess maybe I should look into trying to stay calm or walking away more often. Maybe just maybe they will start to listen to me. Who knows. But I guess it's working for R so maybe just maybe it will work for me.

I feel bad.

So I don't feel pregnant, I mean besides feeling nauseous every now and then if I hadn't taken that test I would have never even suspected I was. I'm still unsure on how I feel about this, but part of me feels bad. 

- I feel bad because K's breastfeeding experience may be cut shorter then she is ready for and this time around I was really hoping to go past a year instead of having to stop at 10 or so months.

- I feel bad because I know that I am going to get more tired and less mobile so I am not going to be a very fun mom for any of my kids :( 

- I feel bad because if K decided to learn to walk after a year I won't be able to give her my 110% attention that I want to give her. 

- I feel bad because I am also missing some of the most exciting times for her, her first christmas that she kind of understands, her first birthday, and other stuff I am sure. I mean I will be there but I will either be hugely pregnant or to sore from having a c-section to really enjoy it. 

- I feel bad also because of J, he already is complaining he doesn't see or spend time with me enough, and with him starting kindergarten and going to his dads and my attention already having to be on K sometimes it's just going to get more stretched thin when or if this new baby comes. 

- I guess what I feel the most bad about is me wishing that I could just spend the day in bed and not worry about anything for just one day and just have the whole day to me to sleep and do nothing. But that won't happen. Not now, and certainly not for the next 20 or so years. Well I guess it might be more likely when they are teenagers or even 5 and up, cause dear old dad can take care of them. 

I've gotten to the point where I won't even really talk about it to R, I guess I don't really want to talk about it until I can for sure say that yes there is a baby inside of me and in 8 or 9 months we will have another baby to look after. I don't want to plan to much until I know for sure, but the funny thing is I don't want to think of the happy things or what good could come of this but I sure do know how to think of the negative.  Oh well, I am sure it will get better once I know whats going on. 

Laundry is beeping to be brought out of the dryer.

Gotta Run.

Shocked yet not....

Well, I have been kind of absent in my blog...... I have been hesitant to actually write this down and write my feelings on it all.

We found out on Tuesday that I am pregnant. 4.5 months after I had K, I know how it happened I know why it happened I'm not some stupid naive women who is completely shocked, but yet here I am having so   many mixed emotions on this. I don't know how far along I am or if this one will also result in a miscarriage. I am hesitant to get happy about this because of the risk of miscarriage and just because I wasn't expecting this to happen so soon.

R is okay with it, he says everything will work out. Well I just wish that I could feel as confident as he does. I'm having a hard time even thinking that I am pregnant. I don't feel pregnant, well except from feeling sick to my stomach all the time, I really don't feel like it's really happening and that it was all just a dream.

I'm worried that I won't be able to get happy about this, and then I am worried that I am going to get happy about this and then I will lose it. Then I am also worried that if I do lose it that I won't be sad about it. I'm scared and nervous and just well I don't know what else I feel.

I go in on Tuesday April 26th at 2:20 to see my doctor about this. I am very nervous on what she is going to say.... Then on May 2 at 2:20 as well I have a physical, now I am pretty sure that either between those 2 appointments or just after the last appointment I will have an ultrasound to find out how far along I am or if there is actually a viable pregnancy. When I took the pregnancy test R looked at it first so when he finally showed it to me I was really shocked to see that the test line was way darker then the control line. Makes me think that right now I am about 5 or 6 weeks pregnant, so probably by the time I get the ultrasound I will be about 7 or 8 weeks pregnant. So we should see something if it is viable.

Well I should go now...

Gotta Run.

Sick and more sick.

I have been a way for a bit, first the whole family got a cold. K got it the worst and is still sick, slowly she is getting better. She doesn't need to sleep in her carseat any more so thats a plus, also she has kind of migrated back into our bed. Which I don't really mind I suppose because she sleeps better in bed with us, she has less coughing fits and seems to breath better as well and if that is what it takes for her to feel better then she can sleep in our bed for as long as it takes.

Second I got the stomach bug the other day, still do a little bit. A couple days ago, literally right after I got better from having a cold I started feeling sick. Then yesterday I literally got sick in the morning, that made me feel better for about an hour or so and then my stomach started to not feel good again. I just can't seem to get a break :(

I even stopped scrapbooking for the time being. I just didn't and still don't really have the energy for anything really, K kind of takes all of it. Speaking of K she seems to be fussing from her VERY SHORT nap.. Boo....

Gotta Run.

2 Months!!!

Well it is finally April. That means that we are moving out in less then 2 months! I am really excited about this. R just got his windshield fixed so that means that he will be putting the car up for sale, all so we can move out. I really hope that everything turns out okay. The count down is on!!!

I got my scrapbooking program! I'm super excited to get back into the groove of things :) I am currently doing an ABC book for each child, and man oh man is it tougher then I thought it would be. I would do better with more kits from the website but with no money that will just have to wait. I do know that I will be buying a very girly kit when I do get some extra money :) maybe something neutral as well.

K and I are still sick, but I am on the mend. She is still sleeping in her carseat but at least she is sleeping a little bit more. I'm really hoping she will get better soon, cause seeing her sick makes my heart break :( She has a doctors appointment on Tuesday, so hopefully the doctor can tell me how to make her congestion go away. She is sitting on my lap watching me type and it is so cute, that or she is watching Roswell :)

I am so going to be taking a nap tomorrow when K does. I have been so tired during the day it's crazy, I really do hope that when I get better I won't be so tired anymore. I am really looking forward to taking a nap though :)

Well we had a big boy kid free weekend this weekend, and I have to say it still didn't feel relaxing with everyone being sick and all. Here is hoping at least next weekend will be some what relaxing :)

K needs to be put to bed now so I should go.

Gotta Run.